Dirty South Wine

Why Worry About Social Media and Dominating the Millenials when Your Wine Sucks?

While most are strategerizing about social media and how to target millenials with leftover 3rd label juice, a handful of people are still out making wine that tastes like this.

------------

Sales of our third label are down, way down.  It is mindboggling, because the goofy-ass name we gave it did great in test markets-  Who doesn't want a wine named Crazy Bear Charbono-nay-- a tasty blend of smoke-tainted Charbono and stainless steel Chardonnay?  (More on Crazy Bear in coming posts).  The data said it was supposed to flow like energy drinks this year in the parking lots of the Nickleback tour we sponsored, but something went wrong-- horribly wrong.  Now sales blames marketing, marketing blames production, production blames sales, and whoever the people are who are on the other side of the conference calls have now hired consultants that say "You need to turn on social media now, or Crazy Bear is farked!"

Heads ready to roll, we've set up killer twitter #hashtags (#crazybear), recruited thousands of "friends", and started tweetin' like a mother-clucker (even if they just RT stupid stuff, #crazybear is getting out there!) Soon everyone will be talking about Crazy Bear (The crazy wine that cares)!

In 3months Crazy Bear is going to be way on top- Getting guzzled by dudes on iPhones falling out of party buses shelling out hundos and coming to make it rain all up in your tasting room!  Because what the consultants tell us we need to realize is that lovers of Crazy Bear will soon grow and become lovers of our pricey main label-- Bear Creek Ridgeline Springs (An exclusively bold wine for successful couples sophisticated indulgence, for sharing with other like-minded, but not quite as successful couples). 

It is a good thing that It is hot as balls down at Bear Creek Ridgeline Springs, because to score big and get that cheddar, you've got let those balls hang.  Lovers of Crazy Bear relate to that and it is just a matter of tweets and moving out of their parents house before they cross the line...

Crazy Bear Wine on Facebook

Crazy Bear Wine on Twitter

------------

About the Author:  Inventor of the term, "The Crazy Wine That Cares", Hardy Wallace is a world champion wine blogger and marketing maven specializing in how to dump all that leftover shiz you have in those tanks. His reach spans the impressionable millenials that stole his effen' bike and ghost rode it into Dry Creek at this weekends barrel tasting, and to their parents who tell him to leave the deliveries in the back.  Hardy's next appearance is at the West County Feline Show where he will be showing his award winning  Cornish Rex cat- Pepperonious IV to the esteemed panel of judges.

Wine Bloggers Bite The Big One!

(example 1.  Money being wasted on Wine Bloggers who have zero influence.  What are those? Grilled veggies?)

"Wine bloggers that don't know anything have zero influence whatsoever on the wine industry-  They don't sell wine / move cases... In fact they have anti-influence!  So much that whatever plonk they talk about, taste, and shill, creates a negative, anti-sales energy / force field around your wines... They're journalistic doppelgangers that don't deserve your attention, time, and specifically your resources and ad dollars.  Can you hold one moment while I transfer you to sales?

See, winebloggers are trying to take all the spotlight, ad money, and a few of these rat-finks actually want to make an income, or even a living from writing online! Gawt danged cheese and RICE!!!!!  How do they expect to do this?  Combined, their reach barely extends to the other 6 wine bloggers that subscribe to their drivelous wine blog , but still we must talk about them regularly...  If we don't publicly address the problem of blogs, someone upstairs is going to get really pissed, and when they get pissed, it starts raining Poop and chainsaws....  I mean, it totally sucks to get hit by a chainsaw, but even more when you're covered in POOP!  Bloggers, blobbers, these little, tiny, droolers, keep us from talking about wine...

These Caesar salad-eaters have no right to just say anything online-  How dare they?  We have responsibilities, editors,sales and marketing departments, and advertisers!  We get paid so we can be ethical!!! Most bloggers just have their mom and a never-ending pack of hot pockets they use to chase down with free samples of "Smoking Chupacabra Pinot Blend" (These guys blend in all the Pinots! Perfect for Millenials!) sent to them boondoggle style from Wines of Uruguayistan...  Heck, I wouldn't touch that plonk with their mother's mustache!

(example 2.  More money being wasted on Wine Bloggers-- They even had oysters! How many cases did those freakin' bivalves sell?)

Down in their basement lair, next to boxes of old TSR games, these half-bred, twits, manically type nothing but positive notes to get more free wine (some even write every day!!!!). Occasionally they huddle in secret society-like tweetups where when they are not tweeting to each other, they talk about how they tweet, what samples they got, and who is going to #crushit or #ownit this year. When they take a break from ignoring real, meaningful human interaction, they mumble to each other about how to take down traditional media, and how many free pens and snacks they are going to get at the 2010 Wine Bloggers Conference.  Most of these pigtailed, blobbers have no idea and have never been on a real junket before...  but that may get in the way of them tweeting, blogging and doing social media bullshanks..."

----------------------

All this talk in the past months of wine blogger influence always comes back to "Does it sell wine? Does it move cases?"  But this sounds more like traditional media reinforcing that they deserve (and need) ad revenue.  You know what, they probably do.  If you've got the scratch to give, and it is historically proven effective for you, place an ad with them.  If they've been successful at moving your wine, how could you possibly think not to advertise with them?  That is their goal after all, to sell your wine?

Don't get me wrong, I like, respect, and have friends in traditional media.  The BEST writers  and palates are still in traditional media.  They deserve support, attention, respect and praise.

But let's call this recent noise what it is... A fight for your money and eyeballs.

Most bloggers don't care if they ever get a dime from ads, cases of samples of non-vintage sparking scuppernong, or a moment of your time.  They do it for fun, for the camaraderie, and most importantly- for love of wine.  Some are great writers, some have zero influence, some are skilled tasters, others not...  but type in a search in google looking for a wine, and chances are they (or something communicated via social media or a social network) are going to pop up high on the search results.

I encourage anyone to spend their money where it works (just don't think about spending it here)...

----

About the author:

Hardy Wallace is the world's least influential wine figure.  His blog Dirty South Wine may reach an audience of 2 billion people online, but no one besides other bloggers read it.  Though he is a champion wine blender, experienced culinary judge, master of "the forbidden dance", and has personally fought off 2 species of giant cat from the comfort of his luxury automobile, he can't write or score wine worth a hoot. 

When not wine blogging, he is tweeting to others about wine blogging.  When not eating hot pockets, he is heating up hot pockets and preparing to eat them.

First Rule of Marketing Wine To Millenials

 

The First Rule of Marketing Wine to Millenials: You do not talk about marketing wine to millenials.

The Second Rule of Marketing Wine to Millenials:  You do not talk about marketing wine to millenials.

-------------------------

Instead, you make a good product, no, an amazing product, with a great, honest, story.  If you don't do that, you shouldn't be in the game.

Honesty, Transparency, and Exceeding Expectations are mandatory. How you communicate that determines whether you win or lose (with both millenials and geezers).

There is no need for new brands, new labels, secret societies (I didn't make that one up), or to co-market shows with the Jonas Brothers (but if you want to sponsor a tour with Kool Keith, that's ok with me).  It is about being straight up, honest, and telling your story better than the next guy /gal.

If I hear marketing wine to millenials one more time, I'm coming out swinging...

Let's Put The Terror Back in Terroir!

 

Though I profess the passion and joy of wine, I think my new stint for the week day is going to be

"Wine = Terror!"

Wine scares the pee out of a lot of people-- Not just the weak bladdered and not just the over-served.  In a recent poll, 6.4* out of 10 of the over-served had an "uh-oh..." while answering wine questions. (*The .4 was because it was difficult to determine if one of the "uh-oh's" happened prior to the questioning or not). 

I realize that new tastes, flavors, and delicious essences of grapes from far off lands are a horrific concept--  (think the twins in The Shining). There are the funny words, threatening glasses, and mustachioed men (that we've only ever seen on TV)  with big noses and bad attitudes that refuse to sell us wine that we can't possibly understand...  Seriously,  have you ever met this guy?  I have, and he still doesn't know that his wallet is missing.

-----------------

When we think of wine, one thing we have to keep in mind is

"What do we have to lose vs what do we have to gain?"

We might not like it.
Buck-up Billy and Billie-Jean! How long does that last?  15 seconds?  More horrific experiences happen to us at our primary care physicians, yet we seem to shake it off after a few hours, a couple of drinks, and a lifetime of denial.

VS.

We might love it!
That lasts a lifetime.  Then we can tell our frenimies that their taste in wine stinks, and we loves us some Vee-og-nay! or Vee-og-ner, or that gawt danged V-juice! (Turn the tables, Rattle the cage! Now is our chance to intimidate!  Make it rain chainsaws in their house!)

Which leads us to...

We don't know how to pronounce it.
We happily mispronounce the island of Anitgua, but it doesn't stop us from going there and voluntarily submitting ourselves to torture while we get those sweet, tropical, cornrows.  "Island style, bra'!"

We don't want to waste money. 
If you've ever spent money on the Detroit Lions, checking the box on your tax returns to support  election campaigns, and have never negotiated the price of a mattress or gym membership, you've wasted far more scratch (and there is a picture of you somewhere that looks like this)  Why deny others the pleasure?

Even if you don't like it, wine still has 13-16% Alcohol. Turn that pout inside-out and see how fast you can drink it!* (goodetobefirst.com does not advocate you blaming someone else for taking poor advice)

Isn't a lot of wine made by commies, socialists, and hippies?
Uhm, is there a difference?  Most of the products in our homes are made by communists that somehow missed the point that the most fun about proclaiming a love of Maoism / Marxism, is that it came with rights to expand our mind and get all frisky at love-ins, sit-ins, and disguising these to the general public as Contra Dancing

In the end, people lineup to spend millions and millions of dollars ever year to buy "Terror"- Books, Magazines, movies, and we even spend countless hours searching the web for photos like this.  Why not capitalize on fear of wine?

It's time to put the Terror back in Terroir!

Like an Explosion at the Processed Cheese Factory- Here Comes "Open That Bottle Night!"

Why does Open That Bottle Night (OTBN) seem soooo cheesy?  I'm far from an old curmudgeon, but I have a hard time not cringing every time I hear this holiday mentioned.  Even saying it out-loud makes me feel like this...

If you are not familiar with OTBN, it is a wine holiday started in 2000 by Dorothy Gaiter and John Brecher, wine columnists for the Wall Street Journal.  The idea behind it is that people hold onto special bottles of wine that are earmarked for special occasions, the right times, the right people, and these circumstances may never come.  So the last Saturday of every February has become a wine holiday to open these special bottles and to share them with friends and family.

(Special does not mean it has to be expensive, rare, or some some stud of the wine world-  but simply that it holds significance to you.  Stud of the Wine World Example II)

So you may ask where in this great spirited night do I see a noxious orange cloud of airborne processed cheese food?

Speak with anyone with a passion for wine, and they'll tell you one of the most beautiful things that wine encourages is the desire to share it with those we enjoy.  Wine is so much more than a beverage-  it creates memories, experiences, it brings people together, and is often accompanied with great food.

Most wine lovers don't need a holiday to grab something special and enjoy it over dinner with friends.  This is an on-going part of their lives...

The second part that makes me uneasy is the "now or never" approach to the holiday.  Drink up your special bottles because we only have the present!  So that bottle of Port that is being saved for your daughter's wedding, the Sauternes being saved for your parent's 50th Anniversary-  Screw that, drink 'em now!  Who knows- You may get hit by a bus on the MARTA Wine Highway, you could die of a strange disease caused by fruit bombs that scored 95+ points (and taste like IHOP flavored pancake syrups.) C'mon!  Let's blow Timmy's college fund because that kid's going to juvie for sure!

(OTBN is a Slippery Slope!!!)

Not only that, but often, one part of holding special bottles is not to wait for a special event, but to get them to a point of maturity where they are showing at their best.  Well, I've got some 06 Grand Cru Burgundies that I was holding, but screw it, it's OTBN!  No time like the present!  Few wine drinkers I know are tempted to hold their mature bottles too long.

Anytime I gather with friends, something is coming out that is special-  It may not be rare, expensive, or cherished, but it is something I'm excited to share.

I don't discourage anyone from participating in OTBN.   In fact, if opening special bottles is something you usually don't do-- DO IT!  I hope you do get together with friends and family and have a memorable evening. But, in the midst of your joy, I hope you look to each other and say that this shouldn't be reserved for just one night.  This sort of celebration and sharing should be a part of your normal life, because in the end, we will never have more with family and friends.

The 2009 Open That Bottle Night is 2/28/09.  While you are out drinking up with this guy-- I'll probably be found shooting Roman Candles off my balcony while cursing the dark of night!  ; )

Biodynamics, Eddie Money, and a D in Marketing

Contrary to the Count, "D" is not for "Dance", it is the grade being earned in the overall marketing of Biodynamic, organic, and natural wine. 

The overall wine market may be soft, and many wine consumers are buying less and trading down- But the positive part of this is that they are LOOKING FOR NEW WINES! Someone who may not have been a customer 6 months ago, is now eager, willing, and searching for something new.  With the search on full-blast for value and quality-- Wineries, restaurants, and retailers need to do all they can to capture the attention of the consumer in flux.  So why not publicize your Biodynamic viticulture?  

(This is supposed to represent the consumer in "Full Blast"  "No. You're Full Blast!")

Along with the shifting, established consumers, there is a younger, rapidly growing, new consumer market, that holds has much more interest in how the wine was produced vs whether or not Robert Parker, Wine Spectator, or Eddie Money gave the wine 9 million points.  (btw, word on the street is that Eddie Money gives every "hedonistic / Skittles Bomb" wine 9 million points!)

For consumers-

Since Biodynamic marketing is poor at best, fellow wine blogger, and beverage director, Vajra Stratigos put together an amazing list of Biodynamic producers from around the world.  This file is available for download below.  

Download Vajra's Biodynamic Wineries 2008

As the list is ever-changing and growing, there are probably some wineries that are not on the list.  I've tried to arrange it in easy to read format.  If you see some that need to be added, let me know, and I'll update the file.

PS-  This post was inspired by Biskuit's comment about Zind Humbrecht being Biodynamic.

Sh Sh Shakin'!!!!